Just a few days ago, I had the best and most real revelation I could have ever hoped to have had, well, at least about this situation. At one point in my life (a decade-plus ago), I was dating a man I thought was almost everything. He had an attractive face, was funny, and, most of all, worked in ministry the same way I did. Most things about him seemed to make sense, but a lot didn’t. I categorized the things that didn’t fit as things that would eventually work themselves out. My friends said he was the one for me, some folks in his family liked the match, and eventually I thought this man was who God had for me, which is why I was patient with “those things” I mentioned earlier working themselves out.
He eventually ghosted me and proceeded to pursue a woman who went to my church. I didn’t hear from him until years later, with half an apology. I was sorely betrayed and devastated because I felt like God’s plan had been tampered with, and I wanted to be in God’s will. The same friends who said that he was the one for me were now in support of the relationship he had with this woman, and the woman did not hesitate to spread the word that he had dumped me for her. She was relentlessly cruel and joyous about her supposed “win.” The woman would follow me out of church, walking behind me and saying, while laughing and giggling, that she was going to lunch with him. I ignored her. She would tell others that I was jealous of her because she was so beautiful, um, no- I have rarely experienced jealousy in my life, and I was not jealous of her. I was, however, sick of her taunting demonic presence. She eventually told everyone that my ex had an alternative lifestyle and dumped him for a professional athlete who, in turn, dumped her in a similar way that I was dumped. The rumors began to fly, and my private world was marred in the streets with gossip and lies. The biggest, most disrespectful lie was that we had been having some hot, steamy, romantic relationship that broke ten laws of the Bible and even made Satan himself blush. Ha, not so. My relationship with that man was innocent. We never had sex in any form. I held that relationship up before God and asked him to bless it; instead, God blessed me with freedom from him, though I didn’t see it at the time.
I was angry for years. I was not angry that the relationship had ended. At times, I was almost relieved that it had ended because I wasn’t sure about a few important things. I was mad at my friends for switching sides and offering no support. I was mad at him for treating me the way that he did. I was mad at the lies, the rumors, and the laughter and grins from people who should have minded their own business and dealt with the bones shaking in their closets. I was angry because I felt like part of God’s will for my life had passed me by, but it had not; I was just too angry to see it at the time.
A relationship, a marriage, a lifelong bond with that man was never part of God’s plan. The problem is that I bought into what I thought my life should look like and what others were saying. What I really needed to do was spend more time with God, but nope —I thought I already knew, so I was part of the problem, too.
The truth is, those things that I thought would work themselves out were deal-breakers that I never should have tried to tolerate in the first place. I think I loved him as a person. I say, I think, because several key things were missing from how I felt about him and how he regarded me. I was not in love with him; I was in love with and committed to what I thought God had for me. I am glad that he showed me exactly who I thought he had the potential to be, a detriment to my peace and future. He is not a bad person; he just wasn’t for me. God’s blessings will not be full of red flags.