Words From the Author

When you start seeing someone, it is important to decide how “public” you’ll be in the early stages. I’ve seen that announcing your interest in each other too early can be detrimental, especially if you are among wolves. However, a private relationship could lead to NOT knowing crucial things about a person at the onset, things that you might learn from other people if they knew about the blooming relationship. It is a gamble; you decide. My personal story is….well, I have no words yet. Perahps I will by the end of this blog.

I was seeing a man over a decade ago; I have probably referenced him in other posts. We were dating consistently and really taking the time to get to know each other. I was talking to him on the phone one Sunday afternoon when his cousin clicked in on his line. He said that he wanted to take the call and that he would call me back. When he called me back a few hours later, the call started with, “Who are you, for real, who are you?” I was immediately shocked and asked What was this about? This is how the dialogue flowed:

He responded, “I feel like you are pretending to be someone that you are not. You are being fake.”

I said, ” I am exactly who I am; I’m not pretending at all. Where is this coming from?”

He said, “Something is off here; I need to think about this.”

I responded, “Do you have questions that you want to ask me? You can ask me anything.”

He said, “I just want to know who you really are, that’s all.” And he dismissed himself from the call.

I sat there with a sunken heart; still not jaded enough in my own mind to piece together that the call he received from his cousin was the catalyst for his line of questioning. The relationship eventually fell apart (follow-up for the blog on that saga), and my days of piecing myself back together started.

Years later, I ran into his cousin at a local storage unit. She stopped me on my way out the door and said that she needed to tell me something. She told me that she had fed a bunch of lies about me to my ex. She wasn’t sure that was the only reason we broke up, but she was pretty sure it played a major part. I asked her what she told him, and she said she was too embarrassed to even speak those things now because they were horrible, messy lies.

She asked for my forgiveness. How am I supposed to stand there and forgive someone over something that they can’t even be 100% honest about? I honestly wanted to know what she said, but she would not tell me. I told her I appreciate her telling me what she did, but I also told her it wasn’t fair that I have to live with the lies out there about me while she refuses to tell me what she said. Before I left, I asked her one question: “Why did you do this? What did I do to you to make you want to do this?”

She responded, “Nothing, I just didn’t want to see you happy. I know better now, so I am going to do better.”

I responded that part of her doing better was to tell me what she had said; she refused. If I could describe this act, I would call it malicious. Yes, it was a malicious act. Do I forgive her, yes, even for the parts that she hasn’t told me, I do forgive her. Can she ever be a friend to me or in the inner circles of my life? Absolutely not. As for my ex? I understand that he probably thought his cousin was looking out for him, but he had a responsibility to me, as the woman he was getting to know, to tell me what was said, and he did not. In hindsight, I lost nothing with those two people, except my peace and a portion of my reputation. So, do you immediately tell people that you are dating or possibly beginning a relationship with someone? There are pros and cons; decide carefully. At the end of the day, however, you and your person have to be committed to being transparent with each other and not immediately judge someone based on a whisper in your ear.

Last weekend I attempted to use my lawnmower for the first time this season, but it did not start. With frustration, my first thought was to just get another lawnmower, but I quickly realized that a new mower was not even close to being in the budget. I paused and started to think like Daddy. Is there gas in the tank? Check. Is the oil good? Check. Is the air filter dirty? Maybe. Do you need a spark plug? Perhaps.

With a little research, I learned that I needed a 5/8-inch barrel thing (don’t judge me, just tell me the name of it) to fit onto my socket wrench. I went to AutoZone and was able to purchase the 5/8-inch barrel, the spark plug, and the air filter all right there. Soon, I was back home with my hopeful treasures.

I placed an old towel on the ground and proceeded to work on the mower. I was having a hard time operating the socket wrench, and then it happened, I had a “single” moment and said …..”Lord, I need a man, please.” Gasps. The shock. The awe. I do not oppose men or relationships, only the bad ones. At moments like this, I would appreciate the strength and knowledge of a man. I was over this whole problem. I could have had the grass cut by now, been bathed, dressed in something pretty, and on my way to the art museum for a stroll. Instead, I was covered in dirt, sitting on the ground playing mechanic to a lawnmower that may or may not start after purchasing $38 worth of supplies from AutoZone. Eventually, the socket wrench loosened the plug, but it did break off a little. When I started to unscrew it the rest of the way with my bare hands and boom… I was cut. My work gloves were neatly placed on my lap, not sure why I did not put them on. After some first aid, I finished installing the new spark plug, and after a few pulls on the cord, the lawnmower started right up. I was so happy and proud of myself for not giving up. Girl power!!!!

Just a few days ago, I had the best and most real revelation I could have ever hoped to have had, well, at least about this situation. At one point in my life (a decade-plus ago), I was dating a man I thought was almost everything. He had an attractive face, was funny, and, most of all, worked in ministry the same way I did. Most things about him seemed to make sense, but a lot didn’t. I categorized the things that didn’t fit as things that would eventually work themselves out. My friends said he was the one for me, some folks in his family liked the match, and eventually I thought this man was who God had for me, which is why I was patient with “those things” I mentioned earlier working themselves out.

He eventually ghosted me and proceeded to pursue a woman who went to my church. I didn’t hear from him until years later, with half an apology. I was sorely betrayed and devastated because I felt like God’s plan had been tampered with, and I wanted to be in God’s will. The same friends who said that he was the one for me were now in support of the relationship he had with this woman, and the woman did not hesitate to spread the word that he had dumped me for her. She was relentlessly cruel and joyous about her supposed “win.” The woman would follow me out of church, walking behind me and saying, while laughing and giggling, that she was going to lunch with him. I ignored her. She would tell others that I was jealous of her because she was so beautiful, um, no- I have rarely experienced jealousy in my life, and I was not jealous of her. I was, however, sick of her taunting demonic presence. She eventually told everyone that my ex had an alternative lifestyle and dumped him for a professional athlete who, in turn, dumped her in a similar way that I was dumped. The rumors began to fly, and my private world was marred in the streets with gossip and lies. The biggest, most disrespectful lie was that we had been having some hot, steamy, romantic relationship that broke ten laws of the Bible and even made Satan himself blush. Ha, not so. My relationship with that man was innocent. We never had sex in any form. I held that relationship up before God and asked him to bless it; instead, God blessed me with freedom from him, though I didn’t see it at the time.

I was angry for years. I was not angry that the relationship had ended. At times, I was almost relieved that it had ended because I wasn’t sure about a few important things. I was mad at my friends for switching sides and offering no support. I was mad at him for treating me the way that he did. I was mad at the lies, the rumors, and the laughter and grins from people who should have minded their own business and dealt with the bones shaking in their closets. I was angry because I felt like part of God’s will for my life had passed me by, but it had not; I was just too angry to see it at the time.

A relationship, a marriage, a lifelong bond with that man was never part of God’s plan. The problem is that I bought into what I thought my life should look like and what others were saying. What I really needed to do was spend more time with God, but nope —I thought I already knew, so I was part of the problem, too.

The truth is, those things that I thought would work themselves out were deal-breakers that I never should have tried to tolerate in the first place. I think I loved him as a person. I say, I think, because several key things were missing from how I felt about him and how he regarded me. I was not in love with him; I was in love with and committed to what I thought God had for me. I am glad that he showed me exactly who I thought he had the potential to be, a detriment to my peace and future. He is not a bad person; he just wasn’t for me. God’s blessings will not be full of red flags.

A colleague shared with me not long ago that as she walked down the aisle to marry her now husband, she was thinking of and still missing her ex-boyfriend. I have met her husband and seen their love story evolve from meeting each other at a holiday party to building a fantastic relationship. She told me that she is committed to her vows; however, since the wedding, she has been thinking of her ex more than ever. I am not sure how she will work out all the details of that, but I will say that it is essential to have a single heart before you even say hello.

Hearts can be graveyards of lost loves and disappointments. We meet people, we believe in something beyond ourselves for a moment, but what happens when love dissipates right before our eyes? We can talk about many things we can do, but let’s look at some things we can do after the love is gone.

1. Stop, just stop!! Don’t move. Don’t reach for anyone or anything to take away from or alleviate what you are feeling.

2. Take time to reflect on the relationship. Don’t just reflect on the good times but also on the bad. Reflect on differences, disappointments, dealbreakers, everything. If you can’t think of anything bad, then the only thing you can reflect on and come to terms with is that the person you were involved with has decided that you are not their person. They are comfortable and at peace with releasing you from their world.

3. Take time to heal and grow. Suggestion: Read my blog on “Tips For Getting Over a Breakup.” Decide what you want for yourself and work on releasing the person from your heart and mind. This might take time, which is okay, but be cautious when moving forward with anyone else until you know you have dealt with your feelings for your ex.

4. ARE YOU READY TO SAY HELLO?

THE QUESTION: If your ex contacted you and asked to talk, meet, or even reunite today, would you? If your answer is a solid no, then you’re likely ready to move on. You might be ready to say that word “hello” to the next possible love in your life. If the answer is yes, maybe, or I don’t know, you may still have some work to do.

Bottom line: No one wants half of a heart. Would you like a half-broken heart given to you? Probably not. In fairness, whether we are single, thinking about dating, or on the brink of entering a relationship, we should always be moving toward a healed, whole heart.

Over the years I have heard the rhetoric about emotionally unavailable men. For a while, I bought into it, but no more. I have always said that men go after what they want. If a man is not going after you, he doesn’t want you. If a man is playing the hot and cold game, he doesn’t want you. Just remove yourself from the equation. It is easier said than done but necessary for your emotional health.

There is no such thing as an emotionally unavailable man; he is just not allowing his emotions to connect with you. I promise you…. when he runs across a woman he feels is worthy of his feelings, he will release them to her.

It doesn’t feel good to want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Even worse is wasting time and precious emotions over someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You are a magnificent wonder worthy of the love that you, yourself, have to offer. Be patient, love yourself, care for yourself, and love will come. Until then, embrace the peace that comes with letting go of the chaos and uncertainty from someone who can’t love you and cherish you the way you need and deserve.