When you start seeing someone, it is important to decide how “public” you’ll be in the early stages. I’ve seen that announcing your interest in each other too early can be detrimental, especially if you are among wolves. However, a private relationship could lead to NOT knowing crucial things about a person at the onset, things that you might learn from other people if they knew about the blooming relationship. It is a gamble; you decide. My personal story is….well, I have no words yet. Perahps I will by the end of this blog.
I was seeing a man over a decade ago; I have probably referenced him in other posts. We were dating consistently and really taking the time to get to know each other. I was talking to him on the phone one Sunday afternoon when his cousin clicked in on his line. He said that he wanted to take the call and that he would call me back. When he called me back a few hours later, the call started with, “Who are you, for real, who are you?” I was immediately shocked and asked What was this about? This is how the dialogue flowed:
He responded, “I feel like you are pretending to be someone that you are not. You are being fake.”
I said, ” I am exactly who I am; I’m not pretending at all. Where is this coming from?”
He said, “Something is off here; I need to think about this.”
I responded, “Do you have questions that you want to ask me? You can ask me anything.”
He said, “I just want to know who you really are, that’s all.” And he dismissed himself from the call.
I sat there with a sunken heart; still not jaded enough in my own mind to piece together that the call he received from his cousin was the catalyst for his line of questioning. The relationship eventually fell apart (follow-up for the blog on that saga), and my days of piecing myself back together started.
Years later, I ran into his cousin at a local storage unit. She stopped me on my way out the door and said that she needed to tell me something. She told me that she had fed a bunch of lies about me to my ex. She wasn’t sure that was the only reason we broke up, but she was pretty sure it played a major part. I asked her what she told him, and she said she was too embarrassed to even speak those things now because they were horrible, messy lies.
She asked for my forgiveness. How am I supposed to stand there and forgive someone over something that they can’t even be 100% honest about? I honestly wanted to know what she said, but she would not tell me. I told her I appreciate her telling me what she did, but I also told her it wasn’t fair that I have to live with the lies out there about me while she refuses to tell me what she said. Before I left, I asked her one question: “Why did you do this? What did I do to you to make you want to do this?”
She responded, “Nothing, I just didn’t want to see you happy. I know better now, so I am going to do better.”
I responded that part of her doing better was to tell me what she had said; she refused. If I could describe this act, I would call it malicious. Yes, it was a malicious act. Do I forgive her, yes, even for the parts that she hasn’t told me, I do forgive her. Can she ever be a friend to me or in the inner circles of my life? Absolutely not. As for my ex? I understand that he probably thought his cousin was looking out for him, but he had a responsibility to me, as the woman he was getting to know, to tell me what was said, and he did not. In hindsight, I lost nothing with those two people, except my peace and a portion of my reputation. So, do you immediately tell people that you are dating or possibly beginning a relationship with someone? There are pros and cons; decide carefully. At the end of the day, however, you and your person have to be committed to being transparent with each other and not immediately judge someone based on a whisper in your ear.
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