Articles by b4wesayhello

When two people meet the foundations they built as single people, they will puzzle together. Relationships start way before you ever meet “your person”. The relationship starts with you. How does this happen? Here are some questions that you can ask or do:

1. We constantly learn about ourselves, but do you know who you are, what you want, and where you could go?
2. Do you know what you want in a relationship? Do you believe in marriage or just companionship with no legalities?
3. How do you view and handle money?
4. Are you becoming the best version of yourself? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Financially? Relationally?
5. Would you ever change your faith or religion?

These are just a few of many, many questions. When you think about these questions nd if the person that you meet thinks about questions like these, when you two meet, you can discuss these together. You will see how the puzzle pieces of the foundations you have individually cultivated will join together or if they will. Sometimes the pieces will not fit and that is okay. At least you know. Sometimes, those will fit, and then you can decide to stay on the journey of getting to know, learn, and possibly love each other, or you can decide to go another route. The key here is knowing where each other stands, what each other wants, and what you are willing to work through or walk away.

I used to work with a woman who said she woke up every morning hours before her husband to shower, shampoo, and flat iron her hair. I know this because she told me one day after complimenting me on my natural hair. After the compliment, she confessed that her hair was curly like mine but that her husband hated curly hair and forbade her ever to wear her hair curly. How sad? How sad it must be not to be accepted, loved, and appreciated in your natural state, especially by someone who says they love you. The person who committed to her did not fully commit to her but instead committed to her altered state that she is committed to presenting to him day in and day out.

I have had someone tell me they like long, straight hair as I sat there with thick, shiny curls flowing over thick, shiny curls. I am not trying to branch off into a race issue here, but as a black woman, to hear a black man tell you that they like long, straight hair is kind of a slap in the face. I know black women with fine silky hair that grows from the roots on their heads; it is real, but that is not me. When this man told me, I said he should find a woman with long, straight hair because that is not me. He then suggested that maybe I get a relaxer. Really? My anger was building a bit when I told him that I would not get a relaxer that would not damage my hair by ironing it out every day so that he could pretend to love what I look like and not who I really am in every sense, mentally AND physically aka…my natural state. I guess my frustration is how a man with the same hair growing from his head have such a distaste for mine. We have the same hair!!!! This, my friends, is a conversation for another platform, so let me bring this back home, and here it is- the person who says they love you needs to love you in your natural state.

Life is hard enough, and you should not have the extra pressure of constantly trying to present an altered state of yourself to someone. I am not saying that you should never put on makeup, or iron your hair, or make any other enhancements to yourself, you can, Lord knows I do. But…. at the end of the day, when the doors are closed to the world, and you have stepped into your oasis to wash the cares of the day away. It is just you and your person alone together…when the make-up is off, the wig or extensions are off, your hair is freshly washed and natural, the heels are off, or the eyelash extensions are placed back in their case -you should be able to stand there completely naked and natural and find love and acceptance in the arms of the person who say that they love you…you.

There was a scene in a skit where a man stubbed his foot. He bent over to soothe his toe but conked his head on the kitchen table. He stumbled back to brace himself, only to touch the hot stove where some water was boiling. Some of the hot water spilled over onto his hand and the floor. As he began moving toward the sink and reaching out to turn on the cold water, he slipped on the water that spilled onto the floor. He was in pain in a couple of different places: his toe, his head, his hand, and now a fall. He reached toward the table to get up but accidentally pulled the tablecloth onto him, and a bowl of oatmeal tumbled into his hair. I can’t remember what happened after that but I remember thinking one thing and that is……

Be careful what you reach for when you are hurting.

Regarding relationships, be careful who you reach for when you are hurting. Reaching for someone else will not cure the pain. Take stock of what happened and take time to heal before inviting someone into your wounds.