Words From the Author

The Single Foundation

When two people meet the foundations that they have built as single people will puzzle together. Relationships start way before you ever meet “your person”, the relationship starts with you. How does this happen? Here are some questions that you can ask or do:

  1. We are constantly learning about ourselves, but do you have a sense of who you are, what you want in life and where you could go?
  2. Do you know what you want in a relationship? Do you believe in marriage or just companionship with no legalities?
  3. How do you view and handle money?
  4. Are you becoming the best version of yourself? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Financially? Relationally?
  5. Would you ever change your faith or religion?

These are just a few of many, many questions. When you think about questions like these and if the person that you meet thinks about questions like these when you two meet you can discuss these together and will see how the puzzle pieces of the foundations that you have individually cultivated will join together, if they will join together. Sometimes the pieces will not fit and that is okay. At least you know. Sometimes those will fit and then you can decide to stay on the journey of getting to know, learn and possibly love each other or you can decide to go another route. The key here is knowing where each other stands, what each other wants, and what you are willing to work through or walk away.

Your Natural Self

I used to work with a woman who said that she woke up every morning hours before her husband to shower, shampoo and then flat iron her hair. I know this because she told me one day after complimenting me on my natural hair. After the compliment she confessed that her hair was very curly like mine, but that her husband hated curly hair and forbid her to ever wear her hair curly. How sad? How sad it must be to not be accepted, loved and appreciated in your natural state, especially by someone who says that they love you. The person that committed to her, did not fully commit to her, but rather committed to her altered state that she is committed to presenting to him day in and day out.

I have had someone tell me that they like long straight hair, as I sat there with thick shiny curls flowing over thick shiny curls? I am not trying to branch off into a race issue here, but as a black woman, to hear a black man tell you that they like long straight hair, it is really kind of a slap in the face. Now I know black women who do have fine silky hair that grows from the roots on their head, it is real, but that is not me. When this man told me that, I told him that he should go find a woman with long straight hair because that is not me. He then suggested that maybe I get a relaxer. Really? My anger was building a bit when I told him that I would not get a relaxer, that will not damage my hair ironing it out every day so that he can pretend to love what I look like and not who I really am in every sense, mentally AND physically aka…my natural state. I guess my frustration is how can a man who has the same hair as I do growing from his own head, have such a distaste for my hair….we have the same hair!!!! This my friends this is a conversation for another platform, so let me bring this back home and here it is- the person that says they love you, needs to love you in your natural state.

Life is hard enough and you should not have the extra pressure of constantly trying to present an altered state of yourself to someone. I am not saying that you should never put on makeup, or iron your hair, or make any other enhancements to yourself, you can, Lord knows I do. But…. at the end of the day, when the doors are closed to the world, and you have stepped into your oasis to wash the cares of the day away and it is just you and your person alone together…when the make-up is off, the wig or extensions are off, your hair is freshly washed and natural, the heels are off, or the eyelash extensions are placed back in their case -you should be able to stand there completely naked and natural and find love and acceptance in the arms of the person who say that they love you…you.