I was asked to share a list of what some non-negotiables might be. This is just a list and not what you should consider to be the template for your non-negotiables.

  1. Spiritual beliefs/how does on practice their faith
  2. Weight/ fitness goals/ height factors
  3. Financial practices: believe in saving? investing? spending too much?
  4. Retirement goals
  5. Does this person drink or smoke? Does this person drink in excess?
  6. Where does this want to live? Where are they opposed to living?
  7. What is their work ethic?
  8. What is their career goals?
  9. What is their education level? Does this impact how you feel?
  10. What is their sexual orientation?
  11. What are their thoughts on pre-marital sex?
  12. How do they honestly describe their sex drive?
  13. What are their thoughts on having close friends of the opposite sex?
  14. What are their political views? What political party do they identify with?
  15. What are their views on mask wearing? Vaccination views or status?
  16. How would they keep you safe or your family safe in your home during a pandemic?
  17. Physical appearance, overall
  18. Income
  19. Do they want to have children, they answer can only be yes or no.

Make Love Stay

I sat and watched a wedding from my office window this weekend. It was not a large wedding with tons of decorations, people, or flowers, but rather very quaint and intimate with just a small group of witnesses and the bridal party.  Slowly the wedding party marched together and  joined the groom at the front.  Then he waited, his eyes focused toward the distance looking intently for his bride.  I started to get nervous for this groom…. where is the bride?  But….he waited patiently, he waited peacefully….he waited and waited.

Then finally she came out and came forth and stood at the end of the aisle.  I could almost feel the energy that was connecting them.  It was truly indeed a beautiful moment, when I saw him exhale and smile one of the biggest loving smiles I could ever long to see for myself.  Before she moved a long wispy curl fell down and a lady rushed right to her side and pinned it up.  Now…..she is ready!

As I watched this bride, take each careful step toward her groom, toward her good morning, toward her goodnight, toward her I love you, toward her forever earthly love – I pondered…….

I sat there and watched this union solidify before God and man.  I continued to watch as they walked arm and arm after the ceremony across a windswept field so close and in tune with one another… and I began to hum the song that Dan Fogelberg sang so beautifully called, Make Love Stay.

How will they make love stay? Will he always be so patient in waiting for her as he did today?  Will the corners of his mouth turn up to the smile that he smiled when he first saw his bride at the end of the aisle?  Will she always  take the time to look her best for him….pinning up that fallen strand?

If we could capture every moment, thought, feelings… if we could bottle the love and hope for forever that is expressed and felt on the wedding day…there would be no question on how to make love stay.  Since there is no bottle labeled “Wedding Day”, then marriage will hopefully be a masterful journey of love, evolving love, forgiveness, hope, understanding, joy, memories, support… that is how you make love stay.

Make Love Stay Lyrics by Dane Fogelberg:

Now that we love
Now that the lonely nights are over
How do we make love stay?
Now that we know
The fire can burn bright or merely smolder
How do we keep it from dying away?

Already A Bride

King James Bible  Proverbs 18:22
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

The scripture says findeth a “wife”, it did not say, he that findeth the woman who will become his wife, she is already a wife.   Wow….so what does this mean? This means that if you desire to be married and are faithfully praying for a husband then you should already be a wife.   Now, this does not mean that you go down  to the local Wal-Mart and find yourself a pretty little lacey thing to put on for your boo.  I most certainly do not mean that!  Sex is certainly a wonderful and sacred part of marriage but what you have to remember is that after the honeymoon, after you kiss each other good morning and start out on a new day, there are bills to pay, cars to maintain, schedules to coincide, there are considerations for each other that may be an inconvenience to you, yep,  you just may have to sacrifice!   Okay, it is great to be able to throw down in the bedroom and have him crave you like an afternoon snack, but you have to be wife MINDED too!!!

Every marriage is like a fingerprint.  It is different and unique in it’s own way.  Sometimes in a marriage the roles are reversed and some marriages are still very traditional.  There is nothing wrong with either as long as you and your spouse both agree. 

So what is already being a bride about?  For example, a nursing student goes through four years of nursing school, but they are not technically considered a practicing nurse until they have taken their Boards and passed all sorts of tests and certifications.  The college would not stick a student in a hospital room to care for a patient with out having prepared then to do so.  Same goes for you, the unmarried wife, God is allowing you this time of singleness to prepare.  Don’t use this time to sulk about being single or to make poor decisions in dating that will affect you down the line.  Now is the time to gather or fine tune your skill sets, and to become the best possible version of you before walking down that aisle.

We are going to dive into this some more, but here are some questions that you need to ask yourself for now:

-Physically – What are you doing physically to be ready for your husband?  Are you comfortable with your body?

-What is your skill set outside of the bedroom? Okay great… you can drop it down and bring it back up , but like I said earlier unfortunately the hours spent in the bedroom are limited and then you still have to sneak in some time to sleep.

-Can you prepare a decent home cooked meal?  Manage the bills?

-Can you sew a button on or tie a tie?

-Do you know how to clean a home?  I am not talking about throwing stuff in a back room.  I am talking about cleaning and organizing so that the two of you can live comfortably and find things.

-Do you know how to maintain a home?  Cut grass, manage repairs, etc.  I am not saying that you have to but if you had to at any point… could you? If your husband became ill or hurt, could you fill in the gaps until he recovered?

-Spiritually speaking, are praying for your husband now, even before you come together?  Are you praying that he is allowing God to keep him and prepare him for you?  Could you pray him through and be a support to him in the rough times?

-Are you prepared to be an emotional support to your husband?

-Do you have hobbies?  Do you participate in groups or activities that will enrich you outside of spending time with your spouse?

The list could go on and on.  In the weeks ahead we will tackle some of these keys areas with more blogs and even guest speakers, so that we all might have a better understanding of how to effectively become an unmarried wife.

Shhhh…. I hear wedding bells in the distance, but now is the time to prepare.

Where Is The Bride…Geeesh

I recently saw on Facebook a video of a wedding that took forever.  Just the march alone could have been 20, 30 minutes.   The groom walked down the aisle to his song, swaying and bopping to the beat.  Then, the groomsmen joined in the soul train groove and danced and rocked their way down the aisle.  After that the rest of the groomsmen and bridesmaids, pair by pair, waltz, rocked, swayed, two-stepped, gangsta leaned down the aisle.  Just when I thought, that surely the bride would be next, nope…..still dancing this thing out.

First, I am glad to see that they were getting married.  That in it’s self seems to be something of the past these days.  At the same time, it is my sincere hope that they put as much into making their marriage a healthy and successful union as they did with the act of getting married.

I have toggled over the years with what type of wedding I would like to have.  Of course, 50% of that answers depends on my groom.  After seeing this wedding, I would gladly take a simple, very meaningful candlelit ceremony and an elegant dinner for family and close friends after our vows or love and devotion and then off to the honeymoooooooon, oh yes!!!! woo hoo….okay I will calm down.  Simma, simma down now.

With that, I am sure that I could go back to the video, right where I left off, watch it for a few more minutes and still, never see…..the bride.    Good Gracious!!!!  lol

To each his own though.  Every wedding, every relationship is like a fingerprint, no two are the same but all should bear the mark of genuine love and devotion.

Peacefully single, but looking forward to that special day.

The Single Foundation

When two people meet the foundations that they have built as single people will puzzle together. Relationships start way before you ever meet “your person”, the relationship starts with you. How does this happen? Here are some questions that you can ask or do:

  1. We are constantly learning about ourselves, but do you have a sense of who you are, what you want in life and where you could go?
  2. Do you know what you want in a relationship? Do you believe in marriage or just companionship with no legalities?
  3. How do you view and handle money?
  4. Are you becoming the best version of yourself? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Financially? Relationally?
  5. Would you ever change your faith or religion?

These are just a few of many, many questions. When you think about questions like these and if the person that you meet thinks about questions like these when you two meet you can discuss these together and will see how the puzzle pieces of the foundations that you have individually cultivated will join together, if they will join together. Sometimes the pieces will not fit and that is okay. At least you know. Sometimes those will fit and then you can decide to stay on the journey of getting to know, learn and possibly love each other or you can decide to go another route. The key here is knowing where each other stands, what each other wants, and what you are willing to work through or walk away.

Your Natural Self

I used to work with a woman who said that she woke up every morning hours before her husband to shower, shampoo and then flat iron her hair. I know this because she told me one day after complimenting me on my natural hair. After the compliment she confessed that her hair was very curly like mine, but that her husband hated curly hair and forbid her to ever wear her hair curly. How sad? How sad it must be to not be accepted, loved and appreciated in your natural state, especially by someone who says that they love you. The person that committed to her, did not fully commit to her, but rather committed to her altered state that she is committed to presenting to him day in and day out.

I have had someone tell me that they like long straight hair, as I sat there with thick shiny curls flowing over thick shiny curls? I am not trying to branch off into a race issue here, but as a black woman, to hear a black man tell you that they like long straight hair, it is really kind of a slap in the face. Now I know black women who do have fine silky hair that grows from the roots on their head, it is real, but that is not me. When this man told me that, I told him that he should go find a woman with long straight hair because that is not me. He then suggested that maybe I get a relaxer. Really? My anger was building a bit when I told him that I would not get a relaxer, that will not damage my hair ironing it out every day so that he can pretend to love what I look like and not who I really am in every sense, mentally AND physically aka…my natural state. I guess my frustration is how can a man who has the same hair as I do growing from his own head, have such a distaste for my hair….we have the same hair!!!! This my friends this is a conversation for another platform, so let me bring this back home and here it is- the person that says they love you, needs to love you in your natural state.

Life is hard enough and you should not have the extra pressure of constantly trying to present an altered state of yourself to someone. I am not saying that you should never put on makeup, or iron your hair, or make any other enhancements to yourself, you can, Lord knows I do. But…. at the end of the day, when the doors are closed to the world, and you have stepped into your oasis to wash the cares of the day away and it is just you and your person alone together…when the make-up is off, the wig or extensions are off, your hair is freshly washed and natural, the heels are off, or the eyelash extensions are placed back in their case -you should be able to stand there completely naked and natural and find love and acceptance in the arms of the person who say that they love you…you.