Becoming Single

Getting over a break up has always been a tough one for me. For that reason, I have always been reluctant to allow people into my life. If you are like me once in a blue moon you meet someone special and one day before you know it, they are pasted all over your heart. I have never handled break-ups well, though. There is this great sorrow that soars through my soul and putting one foot in front of the other becomes an arduous daily task, a battle to get out of bed…..hey you – get up!!!!! It is okay to feel what you are feeling, as a matter of fact it is healthy, but remember to keep moving to a better you. How do you do that, consider the following:

1. REMEMBER TO DO SELF-CARE: Dress up, try on a new make-up or hairstyle, change up your work-out routine, start a work out routine, try a new fragrance….feel and look good
2. GIVE YOUR LIVING SPACE A MAKEOVER: Paint an accent wall or change around your furniture, this really does work wonders
3. BUY A NEW PIECE OF CLOTHING: Don’t go over board with this or you may go broke, but buy something new and different from what you normally wear. Make plans with friends this weekend and wear that thing!!!!
4. UPDATE YOUR BUCKET LIST/VISION BOARD: Include updates on your educational goals, professional goals, places you want to travel to, update your financial goals, fitness goals, spiritual goals, etc.
5. BE PATIENT: Give yourself time to feel what you are feelings, but remember not to get stuck there. Stop trying to figure it out, just feel what you are feeling and get back to the fabulous ideas on this list. Trying to figure out what went wrong is detrimental to your healing. Two people were involved in your relationship and it will take those same two people to really sit down and hash out all the details of why you are not together….as we all know, most times in relationships this does not happen.
6. START READING: Self-help books, the Bible. or even learn a new language! Train your brain, learn, expand your horizons through the reading of words
7. BE GRATEFUL: It is easy to sulk about love being lost, but be grateful for what you do have.
8. DELETE THAT NUMBER: Delete your ex’s number from your phone. This will prevent you from calling, texting, or accidentally calling. You can write it down and tuck it away somewhere, but it does not have to be readily available right there on your phone.
9. MAKE PLANS: Make plans to do fun stuff. Call up a friend or call up a group of friends and make plans to go to dinner, walk in the park, or perhaps do that backyard BBQ, don’t forget the games and music. Make plans for a weekend trip or if you can’t do that, plan for a day trip just to get away.
10. MUSIC: Speaking of music. Play it often and play it loud. Pick a tear jerker country song to help you process your feelings and then kick it over to some classic feel good songs. Sing it out, dance it out….music says the things that we cannot express.
11. START A HOBBY OR RETURN TO DOING THE THINGS YOU ENJOY: You know what you like to do or want to do…..do it!!!!!
12. CLOSURE: Stop obsessing over closure. Real closure is a gift and is seldom given. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you have to live…make it a beautiful life – that is your best closure.
13. DATING: Don’t rush into dating too soon, but don’t close your heart to it either. Be honest with yourself and with the person that you go on the date with. They will appreciate your honesty and you will not have the guilt.
14. FORGIVE: There are soooo many other things that I could add to this list, but I am going to end this with forgiving YOURSELF. Forgive yourself for the mistakes that you made, for moments that you lost yourself to the other person, for the times your did not hold true to who you are. While you are doing all of that if you are able to forgive your ex, then do it, but don’t feel guilty if you can’t right now. Make forgiving your ex a goal versus demanding it from yourself from a place that can’t even comprehend your healing yet.

King James Bible  Proverbs 18:22
Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.

The scripture says findeth a “wife”; it does not say, he that findeth the woman who will become his wife, she is already a wife.   Wow….so what does this mean? This means that if you desire to be married and faithfully pray for a husband, you should already be a wife.   Now, this does not mean that you go down to the local Wal-Mart and find yourself a pretty little lacey thing to put on for your boo.  I most certainly do not mean that!  Sex is undoubtedly a wonderful and sacred part of marriage, but what you have to remember is that after the honeymoon, after you kiss each other good morning and start on a new day, there are bills to pay, cars to maintain, schedules to coincide, there are considerations for each other that may be an inconvenience to you, yep,  you may have to sacrifice!   It is great to throw down in the bedroom and have him crave you like an afternoon snack, but you have to be wife MINDED too!!!

Every marriage is like a fingerprint. It is different and unique in its own way. Sometimes, the roles are reversed, and some marriages are still very traditional. There is nothing wrong with either as long as you and your spouse agree. 

So what is already being a bride about?  For example, a nursing student goes through four years of nursing school but is not technically considered a practicing nurse until they have taken their Boards and passed all sorts of tests and certifications.  The college would not stick a student in a hospital room to care for a patient without preparing them to do so.  Same goes for you, the unmarried wife, God is allowing you this time of singleness to prepare.  Don’t use this time to sulk about being single or make poor dating decisions that will affect you down the line.  Now is the time to gather or fine-tune your skill sets and to become the best possible version of yourself before walking down that aisle.

We are going to dive into this some more, but here are some questions that you need to ask yourself for now:

-Physically – What are you doing physically to be ready for your husband?  Are you comfortable with your body?

-What is your skill set outside of the bedroom? Okay great… you can drop it down and bring it back up , but like I said earlier, unfortunately, the hours spent in the bedroom are limited, and then you still have to sneak in some time to sleep.

-Can you prepare a decent home-cooked meal?  Manage the bills?

-Can you sew a button on or tie a tie?

-Do you know how to clean a home?  I am not talking about throwing stuff in a back room.  I am talking about cleaning and organizing so that you can live comfortably and find things.

-Do you know how to maintain a home?  Cut grass, manage repairs, etc.  I am not saying that you have to, but if you had to at any point… could you? If your husband became ill or hurt, could you fill in the gaps until he recovered?

-Spiritually speaking, are you praying for your husband now, even before you come together?  Are you praying that he is allowing God to keep him and prepare him for you?  Could you pray for him through and support him in the rough times?

-Are you prepared to provide emotional support to your husband?

-Do you have hobbies?  Do you participate in groups or activities that will enrich you outside of spending time with your spouse?

The list could go on and on.  In the weeks ahead we will tackle some of these keys areas with more blogs and even guest speakers, so that we all might have a better understanding of how to effectively become an unmarried wife.

Shhhh…. I hear wedding bells in the distance, but now is the time to prepare.

When two people meet the foundations they built as single people, they will puzzle together. Relationships start way before you ever meet “your person”. The relationship starts with you. How does this happen? Here are some questions that you can ask or do:

1. We constantly learn about ourselves, but do you know who you are, what you want, and where you could go?
2. Do you know what you want in a relationship? Do you believe in marriage or just companionship with no legalities?
3. How do you view and handle money?
4. Are you becoming the best version of yourself? Physically? Emotionally? Spiritually? Financially? Relationally?
5. Would you ever change your faith or religion?

These are just a few of many, many questions. When you think about these questions nd if the person that you meet thinks about questions like these, when you two meet, you can discuss these together. You will see how the puzzle pieces of the foundations you have individually cultivated will join together or if they will. Sometimes the pieces will not fit and that is okay. At least you know. Sometimes, those will fit, and then you can decide to stay on the journey of getting to know, learn, and possibly love each other, or you can decide to go another route. The key here is knowing where each other stands, what each other wants, and what you are willing to work through or walk away.

I used to work with a woman who said she woke up every morning hours before her husband to shower, shampoo, and flat iron her hair. I know this because she told me one day after complimenting me on my natural hair. After the compliment, she confessed that her hair was curly like mine but that her husband hated curly hair and forbade her ever to wear her hair curly. How sad? How sad it must be not to be accepted, loved, and appreciated in your natural state, especially by someone who says they love you. The person who committed to her did not fully commit to her but instead committed to her altered state that she is committed to presenting to him day in and day out.

I have had someone tell me they like long, straight hair as I sat there with thick, shiny curls flowing over thick, shiny curls. I am not trying to branch off into a race issue here, but as a black woman, to hear a black man tell you that they like long, straight hair is kind of a slap in the face. I know black women with fine silky hair that grows from the roots on their heads; it is real, but that is not me. When this man told me, I said he should find a woman with long, straight hair because that is not me. He then suggested that maybe I get a relaxer. Really? My anger was building a bit when I told him that I would not get a relaxer that would not damage my hair by ironing it out every day so that he could pretend to love what I look like and not who I really am in every sense, mentally AND physically aka…my natural state. I guess my frustration is how a man with the same hair growing from his head have such a distaste for mine. We have the same hair!!!! This, my friends, is a conversation for another platform, so let me bring this back home, and here it is- the person who says they love you needs to love you in your natural state.

Life is hard enough, and you should not have the extra pressure of constantly trying to present an altered state of yourself to someone. I am not saying that you should never put on makeup, or iron your hair, or make any other enhancements to yourself, you can, Lord knows I do. But…. at the end of the day, when the doors are closed to the world, and you have stepped into your oasis to wash the cares of the day away. It is just you and your person alone together…when the make-up is off, the wig or extensions are off, your hair is freshly washed and natural, the heels are off, or the eyelash extensions are placed back in their case -you should be able to stand there completely naked and natural and find love and acceptance in the arms of the person who say that they love you…you.

There was a scene in a skit where a man stubbed his foot. He bent over to soothe his toe but conked his head on the kitchen table. He stumbled back to brace himself, only to touch the hot stove where some water was boiling. Some of the hot water spilled over onto his hand and the floor. As he began moving toward the sink and reaching out to turn on the cold water, he slipped on the water that spilled onto the floor. He was in pain in a couple of different places: his toe, his head, his hand, and now a fall. He reached toward the table to get up but accidentally pulled the tablecloth onto him, and a bowl of oatmeal tumbled into his hair. I can’t remember what happened after that but I remember thinking one thing and that is……

Be careful what you reach for when you are hurting.

Regarding relationships, be careful who you reach for when you are hurting. Reaching for someone else will not cure the pain. Take stock of what happened and take time to heal before inviting someone into your wounds.